Interests: Mindbridge, Sci-fi, Tyrannosaurus Press, Illuminata, music, filking, folk singing, science fiction, writing, Christian, Girl Scouts, Counselor, Terry Crotinger, Therapist, Kingman-Arizona, Cedar Rapids-Iowa, Golden Valley-Arizona, Houston-Texas, Westchester High School. ALWAYS hoping to contact the cast members from the Saturday morning 1977 TV show, Space Academy for a possible interview: Brian Tochi, Ty Henderson, Eric Greene, Maggie Cooper, Ric Carrot, Pamelyn Ferdin

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Catching Up... to 2016

I see this blog is super cold; I'll warm it up a bit.
Since my last post, I've started a publishing company, Bookset & Worthy Media. This year (2016) our first publication came roaring off the press: 
Anger Management A-Z
 26 Life Lessons For Your Success

It's doing well in sales.
Check it out at:
Anger Management A-Z (CreateSpace)

Anger Management A-Z (Amazon)

An Adult Coloring Page Book based on Anger Management A-Z is coming out in a few months.

Because I work in Arizona at a mental health inpatient facility several times a year, keeping up with "what's new" in mental health is a plus. Fiends miss me since I moved to New Mexico; we have a great time while I'm here for a week or two.

Another PLUS is that I'm able to continue my studies in martial arts (Show Low, AZ) in American Kenpo (1st. Black), Kajukenbo (earned Black 2016), Tang Soo Do (White). Here in New Mexico, I study Tae Kwon Do (Orange). 

I get to travel. I get to stay in Raton and do local things like perform at the local coffee house and the Farmer's Market. I get to write. I get to sleep in my own bed and my bed-away-from home in Arizona. I am very blessed. 

Last year fellow martial artist and sci-fi buddy, Brian Moffett and I started  Science Fiction Alliance of Raton.
Laura Brewer at Patchwork Phoenix started a local Book Club.
This year several of us started Accidental Writer's Guild and are planning our first Anthology.
I'm busy, excited and grateful to do things I love to do

Shout-out to my friends at in Iowa.
AND... Scott, Andrew, Denny, and Gino in the Northwest. 
Miss you guys! 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Going It Alone

Sheila Bonnet and I will publish our workbook--Anger Management, 26 Life Lessons--as soon as possible.  We are very excited to feature the illustrations by Doug Cairns from Heber-Overgaard, Arizona. 

We've had fabulous reviews about this snarky, tongue-in-cheek workbook,  dedicated to anyone who has ever been angry and gotten in trouble because of it--that includes me!

Friday, February 04, 2011

The Becky Crisis

So many issues came out of Becky's illness. A concern is about the ethical behavior of the medical profession in Kingman, AZ. Because so many of these kids grew up together, they know each other--very well. I believe professional lines were blurred at Kingman Regional Medical Center with the ICU staff. This prevented Mark and I from being able to minister to our daughter without outside approval.

On the other hand, we know our Becky. She does not want us involved in her care.
Even now, this day, there is no desire for her to have much contact with us.

So, here's my opinion about that: I will not be tolerated. I spent an entire year of school life being bullied. I decode those formative days and learn to deal with the wounds from that time. If my daughter desires no contact, that is her right. It is rejection. She's an adult and has a right to have us removed from her life. Let it be known that I did not choose this, but I respect her decision and will not tread where I am not wanted. What her father does, is his business.

New Cross in New Mexico

Why do I notice these crosses? Last time we traveled (Summer 2010) through Hobbs and New Mexico State Highway 529, I look for these lost souls. There is a new one now. Did not get a chance to stop, but it breaks my heart.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I take exception.

Dear President Obama,
I would like to express my opinion about your opinion of my opinion. I do not whine, though I may be passionate. I do not like being labeled. Jews were labeled with a big star in concentration camps. Why do your words cause a gnawing fear in me?
Your public statements minimize me by using petty and inaccurate words about my behavior if I strongly disagree. Your words aimed at "whiners" and people who interfere with your plans by stating their beliefs, include me.
As we have never met, you have no right to include me in your encompassing communication.
Stop this behavior, please.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Random Thoughts While Traveling

Payson, AZ--Hwy 89 South, aka--Beeline Highway--aka Duthie-Martin Highway--Rest Stop
At this rest stop are several memorials to fallen DPS troops. I cry when I think about Duthie-Martin. Those men were doing their jobs when they lost their lives. It touches me. I kiss each monument as I go by, in thanks, humbled and grateful that these servants are so dedicated.
Are most civil servants sacrificial?

Phoenix, AZ "Extended Stay Hotel" aka the place you blindly buy at the site for 50% off...
Funny how soon I "own" a room. It is my space, separate from the guy next door (barely) that reminds me I'm in a hotel when door closes or I hear the shower running.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Houston Trip--March 15-16, 2009 Day1-Day2
Link to my Opinion page and ad :)

TRIP 2 Houston, Texas
Since it looks like I'll be commuting to Houston periodically (father died in January, mom has macular and needs assistance and love from her family), I thought it might be helpful to others to document what was a good hotel experience, bad, good gas stop, bad food, good/bad roads, etc.

I travel by myself--a SINGLE WOMAN--driving back roads of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.
(Yeah, I've been told how stupid I am.)

March 15, 2009
Show Low, AZ to Hobbs, New Mexico

10:15 am
After my customary stop at Sonic to start my drive (Burrito, tater tots and Rt.44 Diet Coke), started by driving U.S. 60 East to Springerville, through my favorite part of New Mexico (Pie Town, Datil, VLA-Very Large Array, Socorro) to hit I-25.

Socorro ops for food and gas are limited.
The Circle K doesn't offer public restrooms!
Arby's has a goofy parking lot that you can bottom out and rip stuff from under the chassy if you're not paying attention. I don't recommend the Corned Beef sandwich...

I-25 South to San Antonio, then U.S. 380East again through the Lincoln area to U.S. 70 East into Roswell. When I hit Roswell, I took the South By-pass got gassed and fed and kept going.


My favorite is the McDonalds and next-door-neighbor, Long John Silvers. From the bypass, you backtrack a mile, but it's better than going all the way through town.

There is also a convenience store/gas on the way. Not great, not bad.

Headed South to Artesia on U.S. 385 South, then East to Loving on U.S. 82, but angled down to Hobbs by taking State Highway 529 turn-off to Hobbs at Loco Hills.

Here, I must digress.

Several years ago, my family took this turn-off (Hwy 529) and I saw a cross by the side of the road that just broke my heart. The typical white cross, but a bike helmet (bicycle, as I recall) was on it. The terrain there is black scrub and dirt. I can't forget what that brief snapshot looked like. Since I decided to make it to Hobbs, I wanted to find this cross and pay my respects.

What I found were not one, but three crosses. I cannot describe the feelings, sadness, tears and distress I felt when I kept thinking I found bikehelmet cross and instead found two more. I left my business card at each one, hoping someone will contact me...
I've labeled these RestRoom, Eloy, "Burton" (original cross--3 pics) as you travel from Loco Hills to Hobbs.

Eloy O_?ORTO 1/11? 23?/68 -- 11.10.06

Here's the problem with "Burton". I swear this is not the same helmet. Either way, if anyone ever sees this and has information about any of these poor guys, please email me at: and let me know. I guess I've adopted them... Who they were, who they left behind... Please let me know.

After drying my eyes and yelling into the New Mexico twilight and wind about stupid drivers, drunk drivers, tired drivers... I found my way into Hobbs.

Now, to find a safe hotel...
I rejected the Days Inn because the physical facility looked dowdy, the main awning had obviously been damaged by a high-clearance RV ages ago (rust stains indicate age) and only had 1 truck in the parking lot. Too isolated looking=unsafe.

Across the street was Americas Best Value Inn on Marland Blvd (main drag into town). The marquee had perks, it looked "established" and clean, so I chose that one and was ready to spend about 65$.

I was really jazzed, I'd get breakfast cooked fresh to my order in the morning, Wireless for my laptop, a cop (in town for a convention) was just across the car-port, and my car was in a little motor court opening just outside my door. Fridge and microwave! Got directions to the local WalMart, fed myself with Sonic that I brought back to the room, logged on and happily computed until the eyes drooped.

The shower was kinda icky because of the age, but tolerable. Until....

Strike One
I picked up the little lotion bottle they put with the soap. It had been opened, including the fingerprints of the last person who used it.

Strike Two, Three, Four.
I took the cover off the bed and discovered that there was no complete bottom sheet! It was missing by 18 inches and my feet would be on the mattress pad. Luckily, I keep my comforter with me and was able to take the top sheet and tuck it in as the bottom.

The pillow was dirty. The bedspread had cigarette burn holes in it.

Nothing like having a cave beside you when you sleep...

What I ended up sleeping on.

Cedric Williams, Chef at the Americas Best Value Inn
Hobbs, New Mexico

With a tiny kitchen, he made tasty breakfast.
And, it's about 5:30am...

Cedric was pleasant, fun and gave me some of the local history of Hobbs.
I'm still keeping you and your beautiful family in my prayers, Cedric!

Breakfast almost makes up for the creepy bed!

After a quick stop for an early morning am Diet Coke, the trip continues... Day 2

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DAY 2 Hobbs, NM to Houston, TX
Not quite bleary eyed this early in the morning, I headed East on (Texas) U.S. 180 through Semiole* to Lamesa. With the Texas sun trying to warm the grey-blue horizon over my dashboard, I was hoping to get to Lamesa before it crested so it would be on my left, and not directly in my eyes. This stretch is a sleepy little farming/oil area. Coolest part was outside of Seminole, Tx... for miles I watched a crop duster criss-crossing in front of me. With only me and a family van tailing me (they finally pulled over and the kids poured out watching this aerial acrobatic display, I assume as enchanted as I), I was able to back off on the speed and just enjoy! Since one of my goals was to get my pilot's licence and take dad on trips, this was a link to him for a brief, sad moment. Smiling through tears, I kept going on to Lasmesa and made it just as the sun came up and the kids were on their way to school. Following buses through town (not bad for the Texas Panhandle) gave me the slow ride so I could glance down side-streets and actually read the signs on storefront windows.
Turning South on U.S. 87, I'm heading to Big Springs.

--Last time I was here with my husband (2007), there was a convention in town and not a vacant hotel room in the area. Since it had been night-time, I wasn't able to see the SPRING! I'd sent boo-koos of Do-It-Best Government Service Agency merchandise to the Retirement Home when I lived and working in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and I'd wanted to see it, too. But unfortunately, a minor "discussion" about going on without stopping for gas, distracted me and we ended up in Sterling City... but that's another story--

On March 16, 2009, it was a beautiful day, clear, clean and made it to Big Springs just after the morning rush hours. I was able to pass the Vet Retirement Home and was impressed with the campus. With the poor care some of our service men get, I'm hoping the outside was a healthy indicator of the inside/facilities!
The gas tank could get me to Sterling City, so I continued South through town (still on U.S. 87) past the "Spring". I did not stop but was able to glance over and see the lake/spring as the road ambles past it (and the entrance was POORLY marked and I was past it before I realized I should have turned). At the top of the hill, South of Big Springs, the road follows the natural mesa-top and before too long, I passed a little rest-stop, glance to my right and realized I could see the finger of the Guadalupe Mountains, South of Carlsbad, NM.
The people behind me didn't appreciate my quick turn (and no signal, sorry :( as I pulled in, grabbed my map and camera and took pictures. I could not believe I was seeing the Guadalupes, so decided (after wet eyes--see the return trip, Day2 for an explanation of why) I'd HAVE to come back this way someday so I could see for myself if this really was the monolith rising from the West Texas floor.
I continued on, but didn't get far. To my left, the hills revealed the tips of wind generators. It's an eerie sight to see this rise from the horizon as the road rises over the hillside like sci-fi engines rising out from the ground. At one point, an old, broken windmill was silhouetted by a field of these white, sweeping towering symbols of technology. The tailfin of this poor thing was damaged and drooped--I had the feeling it was shamed. In the shadow of the newer windmills, did it feel unwanted, no longer needed? I decided that on the way back to AZ, I had to come back through Big Springs and take pictures of this poor sight. (See Day 1 of my return trip!)
Brushing more wetness from the eyeballs, I continued on to Sterling City. Got gassed and drink and went on to San Angelo (of LDS conclave fame).

Beware of a red Camaro...
In San Angelo, I grabbed some Jack (in the Box) and stayed true to U.S. 87 to Eden, TX.
On the way, I tried to find a Post Office so I could mail my big sister's birthday card with the thought how she might puzzle over the postmark in no-where Texas. To my surprise, many of the little town P.O.s were closed. Signs still indicated the buildings, but little town after little town had only the required school, maybe a little mom/pop store and houses. The immaculate modern brick (or trailer house) Post Officers were vacant and boarded. I may be witness to the beginnings of ghost towns. I finally found VanCourt, Tx and deposited my little offering.
This little stretch of highway is four-lane. Very nice and clean (as Texas roads tend to be). I'm minding my own business when a black woman in a red car (Camar0) pulls up on my ass and stays there for several miles. I'm going the speed limit (yeah, cruise control) and am in the right lane. She can pass on the right because it is a FOUR lane highway. I'm looking over my sunglasses at her in my rear view and she just glares at me, at very close quarters. I can't see her license plate, she was that close on my ass. FINALLY, she 'huffs' and whips around me. I get a good look at her. She's got Illinois plates and is young and pretty. She stiffens and ignores me as I wave (and waved all the fingers, though I didn't want to). I eat her dust for a bit, then she's gone at a speed so fast she had to be going 90. Texas roads up this way allow you to go 70 mph.
Don't know what was eating her bonnet, but at least she was gone and I have the road to myself.
In Eden, Tx, I was cut off by this same woman in the red Camaro facing me at a stop light! She'd likely passed the turn south and was correcting her course. At the light, I had the right of way since I was turning left. She just sneered at me and cut me off as I turned left. People behind her and ME leaned on the horns and she just sped on. Where were the DPS???

Shrugging, I continue my turn and go South on U.S 83 to Menard and Junction. I'd seen Junction, TX several times as it is on I-10. But having read a Texas Tourism book on Texas towns, I'd read about several towns in this area and the history about them. I figured I could get to Menard, see the Mexicans and slip through before they robbed me. (Half kidding. Biases and traveling single keep me a bit paranoid in the safety area.)
The drive to Menard from Eden started out as farm land (as much of the area is farm/ranch land within 100 mile radius from San Angelo) but soon undulated into rolling, gently wooded hills. Large ranches (indicated by the elaborate stone/gates with long driveways to the 'house' ie semi-mansions) dotted the way. Since Eden, behind me was a little white sedan that paced me. If I passed, they passed. I couldn't see the driver, but was impressed that my erratic driving and speeds (and yes, a bit of speed-ing up to 90mph) were nicely mirrored by this driver. I love my car! It took the speeds and the hills and turns with good handling. I call her "Bessie", and though she's almost ten years old, she's a hardy old lady!
Menard turned out to be a quaint little berg of rolling hills, trees just beginning to bud (I thought it would look like the area around Junction/I-10) and manicured dark green lawns. It was cute. I saw no Mexicans--in the sombrero, traditional sense. The tourism book contained a picture of dancing, swirling dark women/girls and mariachis with some girth. This was nothing like the picture, though people of color were seen on the streets, going into the school(s). It seemed like a quite, likable place that I'd like to visit again. Bad me. Bad tourism picture!

Adjusting my attitude and feeling shamed, I noticed I still had my white sedan behind me, slowing as I rubbernecked through town, but not looking upset about it.
There was a bit of construction outside of Menard, so traffic backed up. After passing several more trucks, lo--I ended up behind the red Camaro!
South of town is the turn-off for Mason, TX. The red Camaro brakes, almost to a stop. For no reason. In order to keep from hitting her, I swerve to pass her. We are on a little stretch of four lane again. But I need to turn right to stay on U.S. 83... She's speeding up, making sure I cannot go around her now. She sees my signal to merge right and again, cuts me off so I can't get around her--either speeding up or slowing down, matching my speed. I'm yelling at this woman--ARE YOU CRAZY?? Do NOT tell me you are doing this ON PURPOSE!?!"

I know my Bessie, gun her, whip around the front side of this bitch and her little fast car and just make the turn while red Camaro goes by on my left with inches (I can see the buff marks from her last car-wash!) to spare as she heads straight to Mason. I notice ALL this drama. I notice that white sedan has backed off considerably :) Still, he's still following me, and there is no more drama all the way to Junction, TX.

--I am steaming at this woman's behavior. Do Illinouis drivers allow this kind of shinanigans? I am concerned for this woman. Texas drivers are not as kind as I am and someone, eventually, will be teaching her a lesson about road rage. I am in Texas, esentially WEST Texas. They don't take kindly to stupid people's driving like that. They also don't take kindly to a stupid black women doing the same. Seriously, I fear for her safety during her trip--

In Junction, I pull off at the McDonald's/conviencence store and 'take a break', grab a cold drink and get back on the road. I notice as I turn into the parking lot, white sedan turns off across the street. When I park, I tend to start looking for all the trash to throw away on my way in, and am gathering an impressive load. As I throw it away and open the door to go inside, I see white sedan park next to me and see a really cute histanic woman, dripping with silver chains and rings ease out of the passanger side. My "driver" is a handsome dude that pauses to lock the doors.
I go on to the ladies room and following me is the white sedan passanger. I turn to her (there's a small line) and express my delight with her husband's driving and ire at red Camaro woman. She told me they could not believe what this woman did. I took a moment to vent and tell her what she'd done outside San Angelo AND Eden. We shake our heads, do our business and wish each other safety on the road. When I get on I-10 heading for San Antonio, here comes white sedan. They pass me, wave, and life is good all the way into one of Texas' largest, and historical cities.

--I think about the red Camaro lady and the white sedan couple. These little 'meetings' seem insignificant, yet, both impacted my life. I am more careful about red Camaros and more careful about my own biases. Trying to balance the 'single woman traveling safety issues' with common sense is hard. In Houston, my 'safety sense' is always on alert. I seldom think about it when I'm by myself in Show Low and shopping at WalMart. White sedan reminded me that there are nice people on the road. Sometimes, they are just people. We don't make eye contact at the rest stops, or we might. The shy (or ultra-cool) smile (or ultra-cool upward nod of the chin) connect me with a larger sense of where I fit in the world. I am given energy and grounded all at the same time--

In San Antonio, I take I-10 through town, intending to gas up on the East side. Thinking I've found a good place to exit, I do and discover I am in the wrong part of town for someone of my color. After several miles of interesting detours through barrios, 'older' neighborhoods and avoiding local police checking out groups of kids walking home from school, I make it back to the freeway and try again. I finally found a place just off the interstate, which I prefer, gas and drink up, then am on my way.

Note: There are NO facilities at the exit to Victoria, Tx/U.S. 87. Wait until the next one.

I'm cruising through familiar country. Sequin, Luling... Somewhere around Luling-Flatonia is a cut-off for Bastrop. Because the sun was at my back, I missed a photo op at that location... Sillhoutted against a very large, grey barn was the image of a small Windmill. Because of the shadow, this windmill's image filled the entire side 'canvas' of the barn. Something about windmills on this trip... It is etched in my memory, but wish I could have shared this with someone.

I stop at the rest area West of Columbus. It is very nice, but hispanic youth and men are just hanging outside the back part. I got the impression that if I dropped a baggy in the bushes, they'd be all over it. I didn't feel UN-safe, just cautious.

In Columbus, I wanted to grab another drink and turned at the first exit. There was only one way to go (South) and this little lane took me through the slums and 'older' section of Columbus. I'd never have guess there WAS such an area. I could see it bordered the river (Colorado) and it eventually came out on another through road/F.M. that would lead me back to the interstate. At the junction was a historical marker that spoke how the area I had traveled was an important part of the fight for Texas' independence--it was a smuggling supply-line to Mexico for cotton! What looked like a slum, was--in part. It was also part of the heritage for the state I love.

--sometimes my little wanderings and off-road explorations reaps rewards I cannot express--

As dusk fell on the interstate (and people sped up significantly since they were nearing Houston), I continued uneventfully, but fighting sleep. Driving up to my mom's house, I realize it is my "Mom's" house. Dad no longer resides there. But, if he was watching over my shoulder, I know he enjoyed this trip. And he probably would have added tons more information to his travelogue. Here's to you, Dad.
*There is an old farmhouse I'm checking out next time I'm out this way...

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My Opinion is as good as yours.

It's been my intent to blog more since I have so many opinions and the people around me generally either don't have one or only want to hear themselves speak.
Let me start with our elected top public official.
I listen daily to Rush Limbaugh and Roe Conn--both from my computer via WLS 890 Am talk radio. I fear we are heading for Civil War.
We allowed the protests and rights-activists to spout their "opinions". I may not have liked what they said, but as long as it was said in decency and no one was injured, so be it.
I am told that my ex-Governor, J. Napoletano is being sued for labeling people like me who believe the border laws should be upheld, gay marriage is wrong, guns should be in the hands of the people (registered) and other Conservative, Christian values, including celebrating the Christ in Christmas. I do not, will not follow the Democratic party line. My opinions are valid--not wrong. I will not allow myself to be labeled a Non-American or whatever the latest dis is because I have values different than this woman and the top-man she works for.

  • Obama is dangerous.
  • Napolotano is wishy-washy.
  • Rush is edgy and sometimes rude.
  • Roe is goofy, but I suspect a closet Conservatist.

Those are my opinions.

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Blue Christmas Without You

Scott, I miss you. Tracy and Edie and Mel and the sci fi group...
Just wanted you to know.

Sunday, July 01, 2007


I have a busy life. I like it that way. Long ago I decided I was probably ADHD, or at least, ADD. Now, lets add Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to the list...

The Feds put out a DVD on FAS that I've been reviewing with my substance abuse group that I facilitate... and guess what? I think that's the answer to my learning disabilities, math deficiency, "won't graduate from high school" prophecy... It may not have been the head injury at all--it may have been mom.
Mom was a chain smoker from as long as I can remember. When I want to find comfort, I stand by someone who smokes (Okay, kinda odd, but it's true). Mom eventually turned from an occasional drink to a toddie daily to a lush, and now, I'm happy to say, she neither drinks nor smokes. She's in her 70s... I'm still trying to navigate my own life with these challenges. But, I'm glad for her.
But, she probably drank while pregnant. With all us girls (me and two sisters). She was living in Venezuela at the time I was conceived, so if she drank the local rock-gut, damn! No wonder.

So, fast forward to now. I'm successful, have my Masters, a Bachelor, several teaching endorsements and degrees. I'm an author, a singer/musician/poet/songwriter. I had to painfully recognize that my immaturity growing up and even into my 40s was likely due to her smoking/drinking. I don't look odd, in that FAS kinda way. And, there's no way to prove it--no test to diagnose for sure. But, the symptoms are hauntingly close.

My progress/success was hard won. Nothing came easy for me other than music, my saving grace. Friends used me and I didn't even understand the hows and whys until about five years ago. The immaturity factor colored many of my whims and decisions. When I look back at it, I can't say it was all my immaturity unless my cohorts were more numerous and affected as I. Some of the stupid human tricks I hear about are so like my own that I have to question that part. I make equally good/bad decisions. Somehow, I got the part about consequences. But I still violate my own values--17 year chip carrying codependent--or have higher standards than my peers. I'm loyal to a fault--and that gets me in trouble, and likely kept me in my marriage for over 30 years.

I wonder, though--does it keep me in my present job for the same reason? I work at a non-profit mental health agency that has "creative" standards and ethics, depending on who has quit and what mood the CEO/Program manager is in. My buddy, Estelle, quit because she couldn't take the bs and blame/shame game. I'm still there--just taking it and, I think, starting to get more than weary of it. I think I'm getting sick. Is money worth this stress?

So, here's my problem (I'd say dilemma, but I can't spell it without a spellchecker):
Stay and get majorly abused and internally feel resentful and fucked over
Go, get back into private practice and hope I can pay the bills before my husband has a major coronary?

As it is, I don't have time to write... the work place is a Payton Place... I do get beneys and they pay for my recertification and CEUs...

But is the stress worth it? Am I making myself sick thinking I'm being used and abused to fill in at night until they get another substance abuse certified (which I am not, and one of my ethical problems) clinician who wants to move up here and work their ass off for wages that don't come close to the actual cost of living.
Fact is: If I accept this evening temp job, I'm going to be doing it for a long, long time and they'll expect me to keep my already 45 hour a week job/work up on top of another 4 hours a day facilitating/paperwork.
They don't hire people fast, and the people they've hired have been goofballs. I may get stuck with it--and it's not something I'm qualified to do within my certification. I could lose my license if I do what they're telling me I have to do. But, I'm "INSUBORDINATE" if I don't. No-win situation. Just what every mental health worker identifies right off--how nice you don't have to look too far from the tree...
Other people all over the nation are in the same situation--how do they do it? How do they survive the overworked/underpaid problem? Do they just bend over and grab their ankles? Put up with it? File a complaint/lawsuit? Die early?

SOoooo, in light of the Law of Attraction/Brian Tracy-Psychology of Success stuff, how am I supposed to ask for what is right? I need more time for myself and my writing. I need to be with people and do the team-work thing. I need to be creative. I need to not let my husband brow-beat me into reminding me that if I quit, we'll go bankrupt (which is likely true since he handles the finances and got us into this mess repeatedly-- gives money liberally to the grown children and spends like a sob on his own health and every supplement known to chemistry, including EnZyte). My guilt factor is on overload, but so am I--

I do, do, do (codependent) for him, his work (ministry). I'm a team player at work--and we all work hard. No one's a slacker there. Just so much to do (with a case load of 135 and 4.5 hours of paperwork per client every six months--not to mention actually doing therapy (if they show up), or if they have case management issues/needs. Oh, and did I mention on-call afterhours no sleep duty?) It is impossible to keep up with. And the staff gets berated because it all doesn't happen in a timely manner. Oh, yeah, I mentioned that the salary is not conducive to keeping your possessions for very long in this waaay inflated housing market for the lovelies who need more than one 200,000 second and third homes...

'k. I'm bitching. But I need answers or tolerance or wisdom... or, at 3.30am (again), some sleep.

Saturday, June 16, 2007


Interesting that when I lose something important in my life, here comes another reminder that I have a full life--several times over.

For example, Lee. I love Lee. He's a friend, a co-worker, my Martial Arts Sibak (Hawaiian Kajukenbo). Lee's going in a different direction that will take him away from the several times a week I see him, to a few, or one. (Girlfriends do that, I guess.)
And then there's Scott--my best friend and sci-fi guru--who has a new job and now, no phone. My weekly sessions with him stopped a few months back. Now, he doesn't email for whatever reason. I'm back to having many, many people in my life, but no one stable or a real friend.

So, enter the positive thinking/Psychology of Success/Law of Attraction crowd/fad that's circling the workplace in the last few months... and I have much to do. Much. To. Do.
I sat one Sunday morning on the front porch with most of Show Low passing by while I was on-call (which didn't happen as I tried to be positive that there would be NO crisis-es... at least for the morning) and thought about all the things I wanted. What were my goals? What did I want on my epitaph? That kind of thing. The list astounded me:

Writing: My short stories (appearing in Beacons of Tomorrow, Vol 1 and 2), my novel(s?), my monthly newsletter ( Press/Illuminata) and my idea for telling the real-life stories of loved ones--YourLifePublications--a publishing company to help our elders tell their stories.

Flying: Getting my pilot's license for small aircraft, glider and really cool, helicopter.

Music: performing, writing, (guitar. vocal, piano, flute, trumpet, clarinet, percussion) Bardic circle and filking.

Martial Arts: Black belt in Kenpo and then begin to work in mixed styles. (This will require dropping 70 lbs and having much better endurance.) I want to see Sibak Lee Crocker earn his next ranking belt--and more!

Relationships: Make new friends, but keep the old. Satisfying relationships that consist of laughing and dancing and joy--silence and realness and acceptance of our human-ness.

Financial: Learn about finances--what is this all about, how do I save money, make money, invest and have so much that I can give it away to help others. Since I work in the mental health "industry", there are so many legitimate needs for things like medication, housing, trained companionship. Some just need that extra help to jump start their lives again. I see it daily and could help so much without being codependent. The goal is to make waaaay over what I need so I can go waaay over my tithe, buy my planes/helicopter, and have my hangar/house/dojo.

Spiritually/Mentally: Find balance; meditation and enlightenment. Stretch my mind and make peace with my human-ness. Learn Reiki. What would be especially cool would be to be able to throw energy balls and make things move with my thoughts. Understanding outer body experiences would be appreciated. Grow in Wisdom and Grace.

Teacher/Educator: I want to see the rapt, "ah - ha" on peoples' faces. I want them to remember what they need to know, grow in wisdom (and remember their teacher fondly).

Acting/Performing: I don't want to be "famous". I just like to act. I want to be discovered and do plays and movies and voice parts. I am already an actor (Harry Chapin said it best), now I want to really play a part, not just act my part.

Creativity: I make things. I have hands that soothe and whittle and see those engineering connections to make things work.

I have this little voice or reminder or conscience that repeats, "Redeem the time." It's my mantra sometimes.
So, my friends, I will miss you--terribly. And I will write to you and about you, will fly over your houses and be your friends. But life isn't over because you move from me. My world continues to expand with or without you. It'd be more fun with you, but, those are your decisions.

Monday, January 01, 2007

not proud

It's been a year since my last blog. Since my last blog I've been published (short story), gotten to Orange Belt in Kajukebo Karate, started a Bardic Circle filk, been to Monument Valley on vacation, learned level I and II in EMDR and am still employed. I've been good; I've been bad.
Maybe it will be less than a year before my next post?

Friday, December 09, 2005

Job, ICON, Sci Fi

I have a job... I'm an adult therapist in a hard-to-get-to place. And yet, we've got Covens, and Methlabs and Lesbian communities and religious enthusiasts...
What I don't have is Sci Fi. No anime, no discussion groups, no fandom friends, few books.
I did get to go to ICON (Cedar Rapids, IA Oct Halloween Weekend). I got a small fix... now I'm back and missing all he above.
But, I'm moved. I'm employed. I'm not crazy. I started martial arts (Kajikenbo, Kenpo-Hawaiian style. My knee has not given out.
Could be worse. Could be better.
I have two new guitars... I have a job... I have a white belt. I have no time. Can't work on the book, the website, myself--well, Kenpo helps me work on myself.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Certification Woes...

I am SO tired of jumping through the Iowa Education Board's hoops...
I initially applied for Student Guidance and Music Teaching
certificates when I moved here.
Ooops. Had all the correct paperwork... sent in the wrong form
(their terminology is different, WAY different from Arizona's).
Was totally denied for the Student Guidance part and I am resending
the Music component on the "correct" form
(which is the exact information w/ a different header...).

When I was "denied" I had to recontact University of Phoenix
where I obtained my Masters and traveled for 4 1/2 years 200 miles
each way on the weekends to get my degree.
(The campus is awesome, by the way :)
I had to ask them to send the same form with a different header (again).
They still have it... Don't know when I'll EVER get that back to appeal this.

But the stupidest thing is that they (UoP) claim I have a degree in
"Community" Counseling. My diploma says "Counseling".
There is no qualifier on it either way. It was not a degree in Student Counseling,
that was why I got the Arizona Board of Ed's Student Guidance Endorsement
(from UoP at about 300.00 an hour for 12 hours).
I asked them about changing my Masters degee... but no word. I know they can't do that.

So... I'm mad. I'm unemployed. I'm just a little discouraged.
I want an acting job...
I've had lots of experience and as the Cat's in the Cradle song says, "She's acting happy".
Just tired of all this.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Unemployment: The Joys of Getting ANY Paycheck.

I'll give the State of Iowa this: they make it easy to be unemployed. They also make it easy to look for a job. I've gotten a few unemployment checks, but I just can't believe I don't have a job by now!
It's already May and I've been looking / searching / begging for two months now.
I'm not whining. I'm just amazed that so many people are looking for work in this area, and we hear about lay-offs all the time. Where are the "WE" going to go? How are those young fathers and mothers going to be able to keep up with the bills and the fun and the kids on no income?
I'm grateful. I'm just heartbroken so many are worse off than I am.
And I'll tell a secret. I have NOT applied for just any job. I do not apply for jobs that require "no experience necessary". It's not that I'm too proud to work at McDonalds. Hells-bells, I could MANAGE the place. But the kids and young families out of high school / college with no experience need those jobs worse than I do.
When I have no bread in the pantry, THEN I'll apply for those.

Monday, April 04, 2005

April 2005

Yeah, I'm still looking.
Interviewed today for a Probation Dept. Tracker position, but it will take 50 miles round-trip to even get to the city (Anamosa, IA) where it is offered. I am, again, "over-qualified". A sweet-young-thang was waiting to be interviewed next... not a hair out of place, tight black suit w/ maroon shell, make-up perfect... nice smile as I left...

Oh, well...

I've been researching the e-commerce, online store business and came across Google Cash... For $50 and a small start-up to buy ads, I can make $$$$
My B.S. Meter went full-tilt on that one.

I finished the novel quite awhile ago and have been editing, since I'm unemployed and all. Editing is going much faster, unless I have to rewrite something. But, it's ALL fun. So far, it's been Beta proofed and edited 6 times. It's time to get the boy's direct feedback... I'm pretty sure they'll hate the novel, but they are my experts and I have no one else who has stuck by me for over seven years while I work 1-1/2 jobs+volunteer work+church+my Private Practice to get this done. I can't believe it has taken so long!

I've got the first 10 chapters (Edit 7) ready for Pat and Jim to preview so we can collaborate on the layout of the Space Academy--they are both working on a model of the Academy/asteroid (Jim) and (Pat) is working on the Blueprints for it. Both are massive undertakings, and require collaboration to get the details correct. But I haven't heard from either one; so I'm starting to get a bit concerned.
Pat is/? was/? doing the cover art--and has shown me several excellent layouts for the front/back of the novel. He was also going to use his knowledge to publish it (since that's what he does for a living). This is going to be self-published, so I'm ready to shell out cash. But I need to know what format his outsource uses... and if I can't get a reply...
So, I'm trying to wait. Maybe both him and Jim are on vacation? Or, had fam stuff come up?
Maybe they got tired of waiting...