montanasings

Interests: Mindbridge, Sci-fi, Tyrannosaurus Press, Illuminata, music, filking, folk singing, science fiction, writing, Christian, Girl Scouts, Counselor, Terry Crotinger, Therapist, Kingman-Arizona, Cedar Rapids-Iowa, Golden Valley-Arizona, Houston-Texas, Westchester High School. ALWAYS hoping to contact the cast members from the Saturday morning 1977 TV show, Space Academy for a possible interview: Brian Tochi, Ty Henderson, Eric Greene, Maggie Cooper, Ric Carrot, Pamelyn Ferdin

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Sleepless

I have a busy life. I like it that way. Long ago I decided I was probably ADHD, or at least, ADD. Now, lets add Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to the list...

The Feds put out a DVD on FAS that I've been reviewing with my substance abuse group that I facilitate... and guess what? I think that's the answer to my learning disabilities, math deficiency, "won't graduate from high school" prophecy... It may not have been the head injury at all--it may have been mom.
Mom was a chain smoker from as long as I can remember. When I want to find comfort, I stand by someone who smokes (Okay, kinda odd, but it's true). Mom eventually turned from an occasional drink to a toddie daily to a lush, and now, I'm happy to say, she neither drinks nor smokes. She's in her 70s... I'm still trying to navigate my own life with these challenges. But, I'm glad for her.
But, she probably drank while pregnant. With all us girls (me and two sisters). She was living in Venezuela at the time I was conceived, so if she drank the local rock-gut, damn! No wonder.

So, fast forward to now. I'm successful, have my Masters, a Bachelor, several teaching endorsements and degrees. I'm an author, a singer/musician/poet/songwriter. I had to painfully recognize that my immaturity growing up and even into my 40s was likely due to her smoking/drinking. I don't look odd, in that FAS kinda way. And, there's no way to prove it--no test to diagnose for sure. But, the symptoms are hauntingly close.

My progress/success was hard won. Nothing came easy for me other than music, my saving grace. Friends used me and I didn't even understand the hows and whys until about five years ago. The immaturity factor colored many of my whims and decisions. When I look back at it, I can't say it was all my immaturity unless my cohorts were more numerous and affected as I. Some of the stupid human tricks I hear about are so like my own that I have to question that part. I make equally good/bad decisions. Somehow, I got the part about consequences. But I still violate my own values--17 year chip carrying codependent--or have higher standards than my peers. I'm loyal to a fault--and that gets me in trouble, and likely kept me in my marriage for over 30 years.

I wonder, though--does it keep me in my present job for the same reason? I work at a non-profit mental health agency that has "creative" standards and ethics, depending on who has quit and what mood the CEO/Program manager is in. My buddy, Estelle, quit because she couldn't take the bs and blame/shame game. I'm still there--just taking it and, I think, starting to get more than weary of it. I think I'm getting sick. Is money worth this stress?

So, here's my problem (I'd say dilemma, but I can't spell it without a spellchecker):
Stay and get majorly abused and internally feel resentful and fucked over
or
Go, get back into private practice and hope I can pay the bills before my husband has a major coronary?

As it is, I don't have time to write... the work place is a Payton Place... I do get beneys and they pay for my recertification and CEUs...

But is the stress worth it? Am I making myself sick thinking I'm being used and abused to fill in at night until they get another substance abuse certified (which I am not, and one of my ethical problems) clinician who wants to move up here and work their ass off for wages that don't come close to the actual cost of living.
Fact is: If I accept this evening temp job, I'm going to be doing it for a long, long time and they'll expect me to keep my already 45 hour a week job/work up on top of another 4 hours a day facilitating/paperwork.
They don't hire people fast, and the people they've hired have been goofballs. I may get stuck with it--and it's not something I'm qualified to do within my certification. I could lose my license if I do what they're telling me I have to do. But, I'm "INSUBORDINATE" if I don't. No-win situation. Just what every mental health worker identifies right off--how nice you don't have to look too far from the tree...
Other people all over the nation are in the same situation--how do they do it? How do they survive the overworked/underpaid problem? Do they just bend over and grab their ankles? Put up with it? File a complaint/lawsuit? Die early?

SOoooo, in light of the Law of Attraction/Brian Tracy-Psychology of Success stuff, how am I supposed to ask for what is right? I need more time for myself and my writing. I need to be with people and do the team-work thing. I need to be creative. I need to not let my husband brow-beat me into reminding me that if I quit, we'll go bankrupt (which is likely true since he handles the finances and got us into this mess repeatedly-- gives money liberally to the grown children and spends like a sob on his own health and every supplement known to chemistry, including EnZyte). My guilt factor is on overload, but so am I--

I do, do, do (codependent) for him, his work (ministry). I'm a team player at work--and we all work hard. No one's a slacker there. Just so much to do (with a case load of 135 and 4.5 hours of paperwork per client every six months--not to mention actually doing therapy (if they show up), or if they have case management issues/needs. Oh, and did I mention on-call afterhours no sleep duty?) It is impossible to keep up with. And the staff gets berated because it all doesn't happen in a timely manner. Oh, yeah, I mentioned that the salary is not conducive to keeping your possessions for very long in this waaay inflated housing market for the lovelies who need more than one 200,000 second and third homes...

'k. I'm bitching. But I need answers or tolerance or wisdom... or, at 3.30am (again), some sleep.